Random Things Resembling Thoughts

I'm just sitting here listening to french music, thinking about whatever shows up in my mind. I really feel like writing but have no particular direction I wish to go. This whole semester has been the most unreal yet. Academically speaking it was my best yet, extracurricularly it was my busiest yet. Emotionally it was retardedly time consuming. I sometimes wonder if the easy way out would net the best results in some situations but I just carry these burdens I have and I hope they don't weigh me down too much. Things change so fast. Sometimes I find myself looking for, wanting, the familiarity even though what is familiar is never what I wanted in the first place, I find that what is now is what I asked for, but some days I find myself not wanting it. I'm excited for the future, I can't wait to get where I want to be but I find I slow myself down for other people. I shouldn't. I ask myself where am I going and who am I taking with me. I know where I am going and I know who I want there, they are all fine people, but I don't know if they are up for it. It seems easier to get there by myself, but what good is that? I've gotten weary of getting there on my own. Its tough, I don't want that any more. I don't really feel comfortable any other way though. I put my smile on every day and I do my thing, but I never feel normal until I'm lost in my head. Even that gets tiring, well more depressing than tiring, I think I want to know they'll be there and even though I disappear sometimes it sure would be nice to have them around when I come back. Thats not fair. I want to go everywhere, I know I will cross paths with amazing people, but nothing will be the same when I come back, once again I would lose that familiarity. I suppose in the end I have to stop being a bitch, I have to pull myself up by my bootstraps, do what I want and whoever is along for the ride is who was worth my time. The fear is what if all the time I spent turns out to be a waste? Surely I can take the good from it and say this is how it is suppose to work out, but I wont.

I am Very Angry and I Know Why.

You know, when I started weight lifting I noticed alot of physiological changes within myself. My motivation improved for one. My emotions became more pronouced. My focus increased. My desire to be perfect in everything took hold again. I guess you can say my joie de vivre emancipated itself. Well I used to, and still don't give a shit about school. I think the institution is flawed and generally useless. With that said I do enjoy learning.
This semester things changed a little bit for me. I gave myself the goal of proving to myself I had what it took to 'beat the system' a.k.a. get good grades. I also decided I needed to boost my gpa because the closer I draw to graduation the more apparent graduate school becomes. Fuck im pissed! I took french to boost my gpa. Easy as all hell, had an 88 average in the damn class, some fucking way managed to misss half of the homeworks, knocked off 9 points off my final average. The jackass has it sitting there 78.85...won't give me a B. So I have to go to his office and kick his ass now. I am so fucking infuriated. I knew more than everyone in the class, fuck the homework wasn't anything more than a time waster, christ you'd sit there for 2.5 hours and get the problem wrong it'd give you the answer and you'd copy and paste it back in. I'm so fucking pissed, fuck you have no idea! I really just want to break one of his legs, in half at the femur and I'd gladly take my C and walk off, otherwise hes just lying to people putting that C on my transcript. The anger inside of me is just unreal, there is no way I can described to you how ripped off I feel. What a jackass.