Wow I have no friends. I know people but I have no one around who cares. I know plenty of people who talk to me when they're bored but no one who says hello because they care. I think I need to start over.

Motivation

I wanted to talk about motivation a little bit right now. I was thinking about it earlier and how my motivation ebbs and flows as I near the completion of my undergraduate career. I think I will write this on the perspective of my life and i guess it will be a relatively short autobiography which will be summed up with my aspirations and motivations hopes and dreams, but then again it may evolve as I write it as I simply write strean of conscious material on my blog and try to keep it coherent since I do not proofread my entries either.

I was in the process of having a stroke when I was born. I was born in Fort Bragg, NC they flew me off to Duke hospital. The right side of my brain was dead according to the CT scan. I remember growing up and not being able to put on a glove because I couldn't control my fingers to get them in the right holes I would have to use my right hand and place my fingers in the holes individually. I also couldn't feel much with the left side of my body, still can't. My mom told me for having a stroke, I had it at the perfect time. I guess I was a fighter. Still am. I remember being in kindergarten, and there was a kid named paul, apparently he was smart, they gave him a first grade math book, so he could practice doing problems. I asked for one but they said I didn't know enough math to be able to get one. I didn't care I still wanted one, alas they always refused. I remember when I was in first grade, public school, I sat in the back row, we didn't have assigned seating. I was always bored. My mother got called in by the teacher she said they thought I was slow and I wouldn't complete first grade. I did, then my mother moved me to a different school, a private school, she told them about what the public school said and that she didn't agree with them, and that I just needed to be motivated. The private school agreed with them, and said it wouldn't be a problem they would do what was required to get me to succeed.
I was motivated at first, I remember I would raise my hand to answer every question and it got to the point where the teachers wouldn't call on me any more, I guess so other students would have a chance to answer. So I trailed off again, I couldn't do what I was excited to do, I lost motivation. I just didn't care any more, no one gave a hoot about what I knew so I didn't bother learning what they wanted me to learn. I remember pissing a teacher off so bad because I didn't want to do the in class work she flipped my desk over and yelled at me and said 'I don't care what you want to do you do the damn work!' I did it.
My dad was never motivated unless it came to beating me. I remember being hit so hard I couldn't walk for 2 days, I guess he liked to save that for the weekends. I regularly told him to go fuck himself and that always seemed to piss him off and he would hit me more ferociously than before. He would tell me that this wouldn't be happening if I would just keep my mouth shut. I couldn't. I guess I wouldn't give him that power to control me. I guess I was a fighter. Still am.
It got tough though, my parents were always fighting by the time I was in sixth grade, that depressed me, so I didn't do any more work than I had to. I barely made it out of sixth and seventh grade. I was getting at least one detention a week and I got suspended twice. Once was out of school for a week, which I really enjoyed. My mother knew how tough things were for me, so she let me stay home and do whatever I wanted. Another time it was an in school suspension. I spent seven hours a day cutting soup labels in a room by myself. I didn't mind, I had an imaginary friend, and I talked to myself often.
Finally eighth grade rolled around, it was time to start looking at high schools. I didn't care but living in the city my mother was determined to not let me go to the public school there. For where I lived I would've gone to the high school named "City" which had (and probably still does) a huge crime problem. So I guess for her sake I applied to 3 high schools. Polytechnic Institute of Baltimore, Loyola Blakefield, and Calvert Hall. I didn't like calvert hall. They were all really stupid. Teacher and student alike. They rejected me, essentially sending me a letter saying I was too stupid, it actually offended my mother. I never saw the letter to Poly, my mother told me I didn't get in, but I think I did, but she probably didn't want me to get mixed in with the wrong crowd. It was narrow, but I made it into Loyola. Not sure how, my grades were terrible. Well I think I do. My math teacher who was my friend wrote me a recommendation letter. I never asked anyone for a recommendation letter, I pissed off all my teachers often enough that it was a waste of time. I guess he saw through the bullshit.
I still remember it like it was yesterday, I applied to these places, and I had one guy in my class tell me I was too stupid to get in. That didn't phase me. Fuck people. I don't need them. Then literally a week later, my father called me stupid. It felt like my insides just dissolved. I cried in my room for hours. He finally came up to see what was wrong, and he laughed the whole time trying to tell me why he didn't mean I was stupid. I eventually got over that and just entertained his shit to get him to leave.
Finally middle school was over. One condition of my acceptance was to take remedial reading math and science courses. I thought it was bullshit. My grades sucked, but I was 98th percentile for science and 60-70th percentile for reading and math in the standardized tests I took every year at school and that was with a fucked up family life. Fuck them I knew I was a god damn genius. Whatever I did it got through it and then started high school. I remember wanting to go into spanish 2 and they wouldn't let me. I fought so hard, but the teacher kept saying no. I even told her to stick me in for two weeks, and if I am failing I'll come back she never acquiesced. I was bored, I did no work again. I knew myself. No one else did. It didn't matter though, a shit storm was brewing that would fuck me up for years.
My parents started going through a bitter divorce that took all of high school. I was so depressed. I did nothing. Literally. I slept 20 hours a day on the weekends, wouldn't sleep at all during the week. I hated my teachers they would always talk down to me, I knew everything they were teaching so I guess thats why I made it through, I didn't have to study and I could do well on the tests but never did the homework so always made it through by the skin of my ass. I did my best though.
Finally my parents split. My mom gets an apartment, my dad keeps the house. I live with my dad because I figure he needs me more than my mom. He talked shit about her all the time. I couldn't take it. One day I decided to help my mom out, so I brought her a side table from the house so she'd have something to put her stuff on, since she literally had nothing at the time. My dad flipped out, I brought the side table back, and his bullshit excuse was he needed it. Well I came home from school one day and it was bashed up in pieces on the floor, and he yelled at me telling me not to ever take anything out of the house ever again. It was all his. Of course he pissed me off, so I skipped school that day, waited for him to leave and took everything I could fit in my car and drove off with it. I was worn down, and could barely get out of bed, but I kept pushing. My dad had a pretty big appetite for drugs and lying. He emptied my bank account twice. The second time I was old enough to tell him to go fuck himself. I stole his car and told him he could have it back for all the money he took out of my bank account. I kept on fighting. Winning never mattered just getting back up is all that counted.
We had a big fight one night, me and my dad. I remember arguing with him. Its all a blur really, but I remember he said he was going to beat the shit out of me. I walked up to him, put my arms to my side and I said "go ahead, beat the shit out of me, but I will get back up and I want you to tell me what it will have solved." He looked puzzled, and he said "I guess it would solve nothing," I reply, "no shit" and walk out the door and walk 4 miles to my friends house in the rain.
Now its time to go to college, I didn't want to go, I didn't care. Why would I anyways? My advisor told me I should just go to a trade school. I told her I wanted to apply to Carnegie Mellon and MIT and Caltech and JHU. She told me not to bother. I wasn't stupid. I knew my chances with a 2.0 GPA. I wasn't looking for some bitch to tell me what I couldn't do I was looking for someone to tell me what I could do. Apparently nothing...I ended up applying to unc charlotte, got in their mechanical engineering program. I didn't like it I came home at the end of the first year.
Things changed after that. I was turning 19, my mother was telling me to move out, that most people my age have already made a life for themselves. I told her I haven't I still want to go to school. So what did she do? She told me I needed to get a full time job. I did. I also went to teh local community college full time. I was so depressed, I always missed classes. I told my mother I was depressed, she told me I wasn't. I had to argue with her for so long, finally I was able to go see a psych. Turns out they were all terrible and I did a better job at fixing myself than they ever could...I didn't need someone to tell the same story week after week. I needed a reason for why things were the way they were. I figured it out on my own.
Then one summer I decided to take linear algebra, just for fun, because people told me it was easy. I got a 35 on the first test and I broke down in tears. The only consoling words I got out of my mother were 'sometimes people reach their limits' I believe I told her to fuck off. I don't really remember though. I ended up getting a B in the class. I kept fighting. I had nothing else going for me. My mother wanted me out, I had no friends around, I worked a horrible job. I kept pushing.
I asked the same teacher I had for linear algebra to write me a recommendation letter to UMBC. I got in :) I finally felt like I was succeeding. I decided to major in biochemical engineering, only for the money though. I hated school, so it was a business opportunity for me. I spent over a year arguing with my mother. She told me the best I could expect was to make 30k out of college and I should pick an easier major. I had documents to prove to her that wasn't the case. She didn't buy it. So one day, second semester junior year she comes up to me and says "you seem like you're working awfully hard, maybe you should switch majors." I said "no shit this isn't easy maybe you need to go away." She told me it just didn't look like I was enjoying my work. I told her its tough and it won't get any easier and I am not changing my major, I am almost a senior, thats just stupid.
Then one day, a year or so later, her whole attitude changed. I think her new husband did some research and found out what kind of money I would be making. Things went from no one supporting me and telling me to give up to my mother essentially bending over backwards to make it so I could focus on school. I was pissed. What a shitty way to be a mother. Instead of actually supporting your son to help him succeed, support him so you can reap the benefits of his success. I brought this to her attention and she tells me she was just doing what she thought was best for me at the time. Really what she meant to say was she was doing what she thought was best for her at the time. I am bitter about it. But at least she didn't leave me on the street when I was a kid, so I guess that counts for something.
I gotta say I'm pretty fucked up in the head. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I don't know why beyond a text book definition. I can't empathize. I can only know why people are sad or happy. I know pain, I've felt it. I've never been afraid of it. I know pain when I see it. I know strength. I know strength can be used to inflict pain. I know it can also be used to make things better. I put my effort in, I know how to act normal now. I know how to be social too. I have always had a drive to be accepted. On some level I have been, but I don't consider it necessary. My real drive is to not be limited by other people's limitations. I have enjoyed my life. I wouldn't change it for anything, I have a purpose because of it. It makes me feel more human I guess. Sometimes I feel like being human is a huge weakness, but I figured its not the human aspect that is the weakness, its the animal part of being human that is the weakness.
Motivation.

Clarity...

Late night. I slept as soon as I got home. Money issues seem to be fading away :) I got awarded the pell grant for all its worth, $5350. Now I only need another 1800 per semester to pay for school. I got the mother figure on my ass to sell the car. I don't think i'll be doing that. Her alternatives are foolish. Anyhow, I am in the home stretch, I know its about 9 months, but its only 30 weeks of school. Not much, just have to power through. I started applying for jobs, I figure it'll take damn near a year to get hired for a job I actually want.
As for that guy on the right, thats Nobuo Uematsu, the composer of the Final Fantasy sound tracks. I'm listening to his stuff right now.
I've been stuck with muscle soreness for a while I have plateaued at the gym, I am taking this week easy hopefully some active recovery will help.

money...i still need some.

Well I've been trying to save up enough money to pay for tuition plus pay off my credit cards. Seems like I can't do both. I have 3 more paychecks. If I don't spend any money whatsoever I will be golden if I actually get this grant. If I don't get the grant I'm effed. if I do then I just need to find a way to pay for my last semester. I'm pretty much at a loss. I think I'll ask if I can stay on during the semester. at least then I can save up a little more.

I know not

The weekend draws to a close. What did I do this weekend you ask? I went and watched UFC 100 with some friends. I made 5 mixes. I cleaned portions of my room. I bought an external sound card and monitor. To me this is a pretty uneventful weekend. I know it wasn't though. I feel like I shouldve done more. I feel like I'm not in the right place. I have this feeling like I am supposed to be elsewhere, helping something, but I don't know where it is, or what it is. This feeling is always with me, but I block it easily. I will find out soon I believe. I have a long way to go. I don't mind the journey, I just don't like to be left hanging.

Mumbles.

Well I got back into DJing. Bought a 22" wide screen monitor and an external soundcard. I have 2 more semesters and im finished school. These will be tough semesters I hope I find time to lift, and DJ and win at school. If I have to I will just focus on school. Chances are i'll be working also. Probably 20 hours a week which will get me about $1000 a month. I will like that. If I get this grant for school I'll end up making enough money to pay for school and have a little extra left over. Ideally I would like to have enough money to buy a desktop with some power. Something sub $1000 but I won't do that unless I know for sure I have the money coming in. I am currently uploading all my old mixes and new mixes (which in terms of beat matching suck balls, but track lists are awesome) and I will post them here for your "pleasure". Brb bathroom. Ok back. Well I forgot what I was gunna say. But I suppose it will be all summed up with this...as long as I can keep working I will be in a good spot for the next year at least. Peace out.

New Life.

Three day weekend. Spent most of it recovering from being tired. I slept 12-14 hours thurs to fri then fri to sat then sat to sun. Nothing got done. I cleaned my room. Simply didn't make any thing I wanted to. I have time now, but I am mildly content just sitting and counting the minutes til I have to go to bed so I can wake up and go to work. I know I shouldn't be this way. I should just push myself and keep going, do what I planned to do, but I'm just recharging so I have no desire. I'm glad I have the place to myself. Makes me wish for my own place sooo bad. Perhaps next summer. Living with people is the worst thing ever.
Nice summer so far. Job's been pretty swell, though I wish I had more hours. I do nothing with my free time. Its a strange feeling. I am off at 430 or earlier monday through friday. I goto the gym, I am out by 730-800. Some days when I need to decide to go swimming/running/biking for an extra 30 minutes I tell myself "no" its getting too late. Too late for what? To go home and sit on my ass? I just don't follow through. Here is the weekend and a three day weekend at that, and if it were any shorter I would feel like I had no weekend at all and have that feeling of being waterboarded. I dunno, I think I just expect to have large chunks of time to be able to finish a project and when I don't I just don't start it since I know I won't finish. Some days I drink caffiene to give myself the jolt to get shit done. Usually never works unless I was already pumped to do it. I've picked myself apart like this before. It never changes anything. Never ever does. I am enjoying ATB's new album. I want my own gym. I want the money to goto school. I gotta fill out those papers. I think I will go do that now. Mail them out tomorrow. I just wish I could go to the top of a tall ass building, like the WTC and sit there and enjoy the weather. I wouldnt mind getting the itch for BASE jumping again. Well scratching the itch anyway.